It is believed by
some that seeing a certain bird is a sign from a loved one passed, reminding
you of them being near and sending love.[i]
This is exactly what had happened the day I got the call that my dad passed
away. After gaining composure at work, I
made the tearful drive home to share the news with my family. We went and sat outside to talk and console
one another when suddenly out of nowhere appeared two bright colored blue jays
and a cardinal among several other birds in our yard. They kept hopping around on the fence, going
from branch to branch and flying around.
At this moment, we all had an overwhelming sense of calm. It felt like the ones we needed at that very
moment to let us know it was ok, were with us, not only my father, but my Grandmother
and husband’s mom. It was as if we were
being told to not be sad but to rejoice that my Dad was not alone and no longer
in pain.
My
father’s pain had been for years, over 25 years of back pain because of a
bicycle accident. An accident that
changed his life forever, creating a question I feel so many people who loved
him would ask forever, “why do these things happen, why can such things occur
that will ultimately change life for people forever”? My father was my hero before the accident and
even more so afterward. He was a
registered nurse by career and a compassionate, giving man by heart. If you think of a man born to make a
difference in others and be a healer than my Dad was that person. He was one to
give his last dime and the shirt off his back to someone.
I still think of my father’s kindness
and ability to not judge someone by his or her outside exterior “don’t judge a
book by its cover”. For the last few years,
he had come up with a closing signature and even statement “Walk in Beauty”. He would remind me to keep gentle thoughts and
not allow myself to be pressured by the demands of every day. My Dad was a lover of the beauty of nature,
before his accident he was an avid outdoorsman (not hunter) gardener, hiker, and
camper. When one thinks of peace, love, happiness you think of tie-dye and Woodstock,
I think of my Dad.
The
the day I got that call, I was not prepared, even though deep down I knew. We had been on the outs the last few months
of his life. We had seen him the weekend before his passing and while it was
not the amends I would have wished for because I feel so much was left unsaid
it was still an amends. I would have
never thought that was the last time I would see him if I had known I would
not have left that weekend. A continued internal challenge is that I hope he
knew how much I loved him and hope he knew he was my hero, people assure me he
knew. There are times I can still hear
his voice and infectious laugh and other times I cannot believe I will never
hear his voice again. There are so many
times I struggle and wish he was a phone call away. I wish I could share with him the struggles
since our move to Flagstaff so he could remind me of the beauty of being here
will outweigh the struggle. In addition,
I am sure he would have a joke to lighten the situation at work and then some
ways to cope that only he would have. Moreover, I wish he were here to watch me
make the accomplishment of getting my NAU degree; something he always
encouraged me to do was get an education.
Pain changes people, it can take away their
abilities to enjoy life to the fullest and even I am sure to feel animosity to
those doing even the littlest of things they can no longer do. I am sure my father didn’t try to have this
but at times I know it was his own internal battle. I believe he hung on to
life as long as he did for his only child and his grandchildren. Grandchildren
that loved him and admired him dearly, for the dragon and magical wizard that
he was. He was a true lover of life and
a storyteller, but he had a tale to tell. I still cannot help but think of him like the
movie “BIG FISH” and I still have not been able to watch it since his passing.
Why do I write
this all in a blog post, like a diary entry for all to read? Well, my father always had me write my
feelings and when I think of my feelings I am sure I am not alone in them for
someone who has lost a parent or loved one. I think many of us are never ready for that
phone call, we wish we could have one more conversation, hear their voice and
laugh, one more hug and not let go. Many
may even have the internal struggle and sadness of hoping the person knew how much
they were loved, asking themselves if they told them enough or showed
them. Maybe some even have blame or hurt
or questions of why? I write this blog because it is a way of healing and a way
to let others know they are not alone. I
also write it as a way to honor a man who was my hero.
Blue jays have returned at times, not frequently but at times which seem when I have needed the reminder the
most. Even one time I watched a video on
our Ring camera and there a blue jay was on the deck right in front of the
camera. Recently, when I got home from
work, my son told me excitedly that he found a Papa feather in the back
yard. Sure enough, a feather, serving as
a reminder to my son that his Papa is with him, where he loved to be the most, outside watching him be a young boy.
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